you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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