my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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