This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
