Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
