your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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