I got chris browned last night
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
