One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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