Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
