my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
