I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
