I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
