Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
