dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
