Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize