so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
