I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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