Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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