I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
