I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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