Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize