I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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