Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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