i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
