Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am naked and annoyed.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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