thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
