the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
