You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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