no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
