Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
