I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
