Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize