not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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