just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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