If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
