I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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