You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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