My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
