a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
