god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
