did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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