Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
