I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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