She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
