it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
