I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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