I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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