Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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