I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
