apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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