a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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