I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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