"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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