What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
