We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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