from now on my penis is your penis
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
