I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
