Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
