remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I didn't notice because vodka
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
