i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
