I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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